A Sense Of Goodbyes

"It's never a goodbye, it's just a see you later."

I know that it's not really a goodbye, and I know it's not the end. However, it just felt completely different yesterday, as it was the Seniors' last day of HIGH SCHOOL. That's really insane to hear. It actually scares me to hear those words. I don't want to leave high school. I don't want to go to college. That's the second biggest step into the real world. The biggest one is graduating college and entering the hardships of the actual true world. I don't want to see the seniors leave. Really. They were part of the originals when I entered in freshman year.
At first, I carried yesterday like it was just a normal school day. Actually, it was a bad luck day for me. I got hit in the head with a basketball twice on the head during P.E., I got hit again on the head with those super hard candies the seniors were throwing at each other in the junior quad, got elbowed by some girl in the hallway, teacher called my shirt 'hoochy' just because it was sleeveless, her poster was due on Monday when she told us it was due yesterday & I stayed up until 2am just for it, and last but not least, I cried while saying my goodbye to Anthony. I guess it's because of my mood swings that is making me feel so emotional. I don't have feelings for him anymore, but it's just weird because I call him my best friend and all. I don't want to lose him that way. I just can't believe that the day we have been talking about for a while actually arrived so quickly. Too quickly. We made a promise to keep in touch a while back and I still need to make him a letter. I wrote a whole corner's worth in his yearbook. I could have wrote more, but I chose to save it for my letter to him. I still don't know what words I'm going to set on the letter, but I know it'll come to me when I do it on Monday or so.
It's not just the seniors I feel like I'm saying goodbye to. I feel like I'm saying goodbye to my past; everyone is moving on and I guess I just don't know how to absorb it. Jimmy's found a new girl. It's just so weird, considering that this time two months ago, was the time we couldn't get our minds off of each other. I don't think that I have feelings for him anymore, but I know that sometime within the future, I'll be running back to him. Just like I always have. I guess I'm just not okay with the fact that we're letting our past slip; just as it never happened. I guess it hurts, but I know I'll get over it and move on eventually. But what does it matter? My mind should be devoted to school, not foolish boys that will eventually crush my mind all over again. I'm done with trying so hard to get someone to have the same feelings for me. I'm done with putting in so much effort for the ones I like, but end up crawling into my bed every night and just weep myself to sleep while listening to such depressing songs. I just realized that I'm doing that right now. Ugh. A Thousand Goodbyes, Little Piece Of Home, When Will It Be Me, If You're Not The One, So Sick, and so much more. I just feel like I should drown myself into school work next year with APUSH, swimming, CVC, and Kasama. I don't think I want a boyfriend to deal with along with this, but it'd be nice to run to someone's arms every night after a long day of stress buildup. I still believe I'm not ready for a relationship, but at the same time, I want one. Does it make sense? Or is it just me? I need someone to guide me right now. I feel so blind to even see what's going on in my life.